Laura's Designs: Looking For Oscar

Laura's Designs: Looking For Oscar: Credits: Delighfully Amazing Page Kit by Nicole Young

The Sandusky Hospice...

For some reason even though I have never actually been to Sandusky, Ohio, I dreamed I worked at a hospice there, because it was the only place that would hire me full time. I helped people and made them laugh and on bring your daughter to work day my girl Isabelle went with me and we walked hand-in-hand around from room to room and bed to bed making people smile at the end of their lives and she spoke her first words that day...
She said, "I want pretzels!"
and of course then I woke up...

Teaching Horror...

Last night I dreamed I was hired to teach horror to upcoming writers at an art college of some sort... So my fiance and I went down there and there was this long lecture i went thru where I explained how to build tension and suspense by way of citing examples in Grimm's fairy tales and John Carpenter's the Thing.. the lecture went great and we were in some warehouse where they were supplementing the colleges income by selling books... this kid who had been at the lecture came up to Laura and I while we were sitting eating lunch and watching these poor grad students packing and shipping books to ask me if i could make learning about Greek tragedies fun like I had horror.  I was reading some comics and showing him some examples in "Knights of the Dinner Table" when his professor came up, the guy looked like a combination of Sebastian bach from skid row and david hyde pierce from frasier.. and he was pissed that I was trying to teach his student better than he could or some shit and was ranting and raving and screaming he was gonna get me fired and what not...
then I woke up...

My Mind...

Last night I dreamed once more that I was given the chance to make a TV show out of a blog I wrote with my friend Victor, called Hicks in the Apocalypse. found here...

http://hicksintheapocalypse.wordpress.com/2009/10/03/the-flash/

Sadly they were fucking it up and I spent most of the dream running around the set screaming at people to stop fucking up my story while my friend and co-author Victor smoked huge cigars and drank scotch and told me to stop worrying about it so much... needless to say I was pretty angry when I woke up from this fiasco, why does my subconscious do this sorta thing to me all the time... its like hey here is a dream come true for ya pal... now I am gonna take a dump on it... enjoy...

Mech Crew...

Last night I dreamed I worked on a Mech Carrier and my crew and I serviced a squad of Mech called the Hillary Spanx. We fought in a war against some aliens with squid heads and otherwise perfect female bodies. There was only two males born per million squid girls born so they worshiped males... turns out human sperm worked for them... so they invaded... it was such an anime dream and I havent even watched an anime in over a year now. I am going to have to use this as the basis of a novel, it was very fun. I had three women on the maintenance crew with me and one of them was my fiance and the other two were in love with each other. We found out that some slimy politician had signed a treaty with the aliens to supply them with as much sperm as they wanted if they would honor a cease fire. Our carrier and all the other forces were ordered to stand down. My fiance and I didn't want my sperm to be collected and used by these aliens and so we jumped overboard and swam for it... that was when I woke up...

Bizarro job...

All right so last night I dreamed that I work in publishing Bizarro books, but while eraserhead is on the 8th floor of the building along with avant punk, and deadite press, the rest of the imprints go down in floors and then get to the lowest level, which was the imprint that I ran, on the first floor. Scabby Goat Waffle books was the imprint I ran, and I came to work everyday in this huge Cadillac from the '70s it was convertible and pink... Two of my employees were even bigger Carlton Mellick fans than I am and they were trying to grow out their mutton chops but only to pitiful effect. I would get there in the morning, which it seems important to note that the two guys who I car pool with to work each day always ask me to stop at this or that store to get this or that to eat or drink and I always agree and tell them that sounds great lets do it. and then I never stop and just haul ass right to work...But when I get there in the morning I would always see people getting set up for their presentations for one of the imprints up on the higher floors, and I would gaze in wonder at how fancy they were because the people who send me stuff to try to get it published, usually sent it in a shabby manilla envelope often with food and blood stains on it. I did get to sit in a morning meeting with the heads of each floor with Rose OKeefe but she was always so busy talking with the cool dept heads from the other floors that I never get a chance to even get within 12 feet of her. She once waved at me as the elevator doors closed though... I swear she did..

Flooded Garage...

Last night I dreamed that I worked at a large newspaper downtown, they have a huge underground parking lot. In the lot there is only one level that is on the ground floor the other three levels are under ground, well the parking garage floods. It is filled up with dark murky water and alot of people lost their cars down in there. They have a structural engineer come out and he cannot figure out how to drain the water since they don't know where it came from in the first place, they also don't know why it flooded now instead of years ago when they first put the thing in. So then everyone is taking turns with this wetsuit one of the execs bought and diving down to their car and grabbing cd's and such. Of course there is something in the water, and it yanks the scuba mask off of this lady while she is down there. Just as she turns to see what it was that grabbed her ...I wake up

Washed-Out Comic Pancakes...

So last night I had a two part dream that first involved me selling a ton of novels and getting pretty rich, well rich enough to never have to work again anyhow. So I was somehow at a huge banquet charity dinner type thing and all of these obnoxious rich people were there, including Paris Hilton and her parents. (I don't know if she has parents or anything about them but the guy in my dream who played her dad was a cross between the professor from Gilligan's island and the monopoly man) So her dad liked my book and he asks me when it is going to be made into a movie. I tell him that at the moment there is no movie option for the book. He tells me that is a damn shame and that since he had bought a movie production company for his daughter, so he could pretend she was an actress, that he could swing a deal my way. I say that would be great and he tells me to come by his house and bring my lawyer and agent and we can talk it through. Well that is great but he then turns and goes on talking with other crazy rich people and I cannot get him to notice me again, because in the dream I have no clue where he lives and no idea who might be able to tell me how to get there. In the dream I take off after that once I see Paris, her sister and two of their friends drop their dresses to the floor revealing bikinis underneath which they use to jump into this big wading pool in the lobby of the place.
So I get out of there and it was so dumb that it almost woke me up because the next thing I know I am driving home but I decide that I am hungry so I flip it around and go to try to find a place to eat.... mind you I just came from a charity dinner but the food was all french and such tiny portions that I didn't feel like I had eaten at all.
I find an Ihop and I stop there, they tell me that it will be forty five minutes to seat me, and I am laughing and turning to leave when a big loud voice rises over the hub-bub of the place shouting my name. I turn around and I see this guy frantically waving at me, it is my old friend Fred. Now I have not seen Fred since 1996, when he dropped off the map completely. In my dream Fred wasn't just a guy who did video production with me, he was a guy who did open mic nights with me back before my novel hit. We had both washed out of stand-up comedy completely but old Fred still remembered me. Now when I knew him in life old Fred was clean shaven except for this thick C.H.I.P.s mustache but no beard for the most part, that I recall and sorta metal with ya know Megadeth tshirts and what not. In my dream Fred has grown out the biggest most moth-eaten wino-beard you have ever seen in your life. He has me sit down across from him and he says
"Hey man I saw you standing there and I thought well, I don't mind a little catching up from the old days, but tell me are you a waiter now?" Fred asks, eying me as I sit down across from him.
"No, I am not a waiter, I was just at a charity fundraiser and it was black-tie, yeah back in the old stand-up days I never would have thought I would own a tux," I reply.
"Oh here is the food, right on time," He says, and we both lean back at the waitress arrives with two huge stacks of pancakes.
She places the pancakes on the table between us and and smiles and starts to move off,
"Hey keep 'em coming and another plate of pancakes for my friend here," he tells her, she nods back at him and vanishes into the crowd.
"While she is bringing you some food dig into this stack here," He says.
Strangely he has slid both stacks of pancakes off of their plates and onto the table itself. I look at him and he explains that he likes to eat as wee were meant to eat.
He then sets aside the knife and fork, and he pours syrup over both stacks of pancakes right on the table and he reaches over to one and tears off a little bit of the top one and pops it into his mouth and then noisily licks off his fingers. I just stare at him in horror, and he continues to ignore me and smack his lips around the pancakes and make all kindsa yummy noises and lick the syrup off his fingers like he is a chick in a porn licking a cock, by jamming his fingers into his mouth and moaning around each one, like he is roughly fingering his own mouth.
Needless to say this was so gross it woke me...I don't think I want to ever eat pancakes again....

The Celebrity Move...

Last night I dreamed that after 42 years my mom was leaving my dad and needed help moving her stuff into her new house. For some reason the house looked exactly like my grandparents old house back in Muncie, Indiana. Also for some reason an old friend of mine from Tulsa was there helping us move mom as well. His name is Casper except that even though when you were right next to him and such he was just the same as always, from a distance of even three feet away he was replaced by D.L. Hughley... So D.L. brought a ton of his Hollywood friends over to help the move and it was amazing, except that once you got closer than 3 feet from them they turned from celebrities into normal folks who just wanted to help mom move... Mel Gibson (circa road warrior), Jeffrey Combs, Bruce Campbell, Kurt Russell, Dolly Parton, Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Tina Fey, Elizabeth Shue, Jane Curtain, Catherine O'Hara, and Robert Rodriguez, were just a few of the people that showed up... except it really wasn't them once you got close to them...

it was really bizarre...

Bizarro Dogs...

So last night I dreamed that dogs rebelled against us and tried to take over the world, some of the dogs however were traitors to the dog cause because they loved to have their bellies scratched. One lab in particular got into our human compound on the pretense that he was a belly rub lover and  once he got in and got belly rubs from all of us, he shit out to full-grown live boars who went ballistic and started killing everyone.... it was surreal...

Sith Academy

So I dreamed last night that my old junior high school was actually now a jedi Academy and it was translocated to the base of this huge cliff on top of which were the ruins of my old elementary school which was a former Sith academy now closed. The reason was that the government had decided to not play favorites and to make the school to house both types of students but the fighting was uncontrolable so they separated the beliefs into two separate schools and that was no better because then the Sith and Jedi would raid each others schools. So when I arrived we were going up to the Sith academy ruins to look for any survivors because rumor had it that the last Sith was being kept there semi-alive... And he was indeed he was dead but being held restrained and there was this panel on the wall that was holding him there. well it got hit with a lightsaber, possibly mine and he woke up. so then we spent like 20 minutes stabbing him in the head with our lightsabers and having him instantly heal the damage and wake back up. it was wild... he of course got away a few minutes later... and when someone asked what his name had been so we would know who to chase down.. it ended up that his name was my name... and I woke up...

The Skinned Monkey...

For some reason last night I dreamed about getting invited out to my friend David Dunwoody's house, and when I got there It turned out there were several other authors I know invited out as well. Rhiannon Frater, Johnathan Moon, Tim Long, Derek Goodman, Stephen North, Robert Best and myself all arrive in different taxi's like in clue. It is one of those strange houses out in the mountains that is built into the side of a mountain, with well more than half the house underground. There is a note on the front door that says come on in...We open the door and there is a hallway before us with an archway with a huge lush kitchen to our left and another archway to the right with a well appointed living room beyond it. There on a cart in the living area was a half dozen liquor bottles and such and we went in there and poured ourselves some drinks. Looking around the room Johnathan calls us all over to a set of black-stained wooden shelves just past the couch and along the back wall of the room. There is a dome-topped glass container on the wall and within it is a curious greyish liquid in the heart of which floats what can only be described as a skinless monkey...

Strange Rifts...

Last night I dreamed that my old job was now a body shop for strange model race cars, including demolition derby and a robotwars car race hybrid...that was pretty fucking amazing. in which cars with strange armored turrets on top would race around a track while the swinging wrecking balls on top of the turrets would smash into each other. The brackets were made up by weight, it was incredible. Under the guise of finding out information about the armor on one of their cars I was sent over there to actually seal a dimensional rifts in their break-room that lead to the Githyanki astral-realm... it was very weird... and amazing...

Alien Invasion... Again.

This is the 5th or 6th time I have had this dream.
I am having a good week because Laura and Isabelle are down from Canada, Then there is a ship that lands and tries to let us know that they are going to take our earth from us. They are strange mottled-grey things, basically humanoid in shape but with overlapping plates of thickened skin that serve as protection. As we are sitting there in our apartment we get a knock on the door, An army officer is there asking that I come and fight with them. He tell me that I was honorably discharged and that I have a class one marksmen rating on my service record. I tell him there must be some mistake that I never have been in the military. He assures me that I have been in and he gives me a bracelet with all of my clearance information in case we decide to take shelter with the military instead of hiding out on our own. Then after he leaves the sky grows dark and hundreds of huge ships appear in the sky. They have flashing beams of light on their underbellies, each one beaming down an invader. Laura looks at it for about two seconds and says, you need to go get some guns for us. I tell her I dont want to leave them and she says fine we will go together. So we gather up the baby and head down to the local military encampment. It is bustling with hundreds of soldiers and trucks. They are firing artillery at the hovering ships. Laura and I get through the outer perimeter with my bracelet and she goes off to find the mess tent while she sends me to go get some guns, alot of them. So I go over to the line and by the time I get there they go to scan my arm and pull me out of line. They take me up to this Lieutenant who tells me that I need a DNA-cypher injection to get inside the weapons facility. I tell him that I have a class one rating as a marksman and that I was told I could get guns to fight them. He starts telling me and his cling-ons how is it that everyone shows up as a marksmen lately and that perhaps they gave out that rating too easily. I tell him to look up, and I point out the ships still hovering overhead steadily beaming down soldier after soldier. I tell him that I want to fight them, I tell him that its my job, and to let me do my job. He nods and one of the sergeants grabs my arm and under my bracelet injects me with a hypo-spray. They says there you go soldier go get as many guns as you want now. So I run off to the line again and I have to wave my arm over like 15 scanners and show my bracelet 16 times. but I eventually get inside the building and it is a heaven of guns and ammo... it was so amazing that it woke me up just now...

Iphone Gadgetry...

So last night I dreamed again about a phone gadget.
This time like in an old James Bond flick it was a super powerful battery
put in there and a cutting laser!  It was so very cool, at first the cops were convinced that the robbers had used an acetylene torch to break in but then they saw that the wall opposite the door had a burn trail on it as well. In this dream for some reason I was a security consultant they contacted to go over the video recordings of the robberies and analyze what I saw. I have no idea how I got that job but it was fun to go over each frame of the video and write a report. When it was done the report was 489,721 words, and they smiled and said thank you when I turned it in. Then they came back a month later and asked it I could give them a condensed version. I told them no, if I condensed it then the report would not accurately reflect what I saw in the video. They released an abridged version of my findings and included the abridged version in the courtroom proceedings once they caught the guy. They asked me to take the stand, which I was more than happy to do. They asked me some questions from my findings and I told them what I had found and I even read from the full report which I brought. When the judge asked why what I was reading from was different than what the lawyer was asking I had to reply with the truth, I was under oath. The court case was put on hold while this new report was entered into evidence and the paraphrased one was taken out. Two months later the Judge asked me to come in to his office. He asked me if I wanted to be rich beyond anyone's wildest imagination. I said of course. He told me how to sue the lawyers in such a way as to them be shown to have liable'd me. I won 439 million dollars. I woke up weeping that it hadn't be true. It was glorious.

new blog

I decided to stop putting the occasional rant on here and reserve this exclusively for my dreams. so I put together a new blog page for regular weirdness... go here

http://mythos-flavored-blog.tumblr.com/

well go there is you want to read about my goofy stuff and get some occasional writing samples and what not...

Revelations Incensed...

Last night I dreamed about finding another pyramid in Egypt, there was a huge sand storm and it uncovered the tip of this buried edifice. There were no records of this pyramid because it is from before Dynastic Egypt even existed carbon dating on one of the mummies found inside puts his death at 25,000 years ago... no one can explain it. all of the religions of the world go into an instant turmoil. There is violence, massive secular violence. The creationists go insane, they try to bomb the place because it goes against their-earth being 6000 years old-bullshit theory. It is one thing to say carbon dating(and all science) is a lie but when they find the anti-chamber of one of the many tombs in this new pyramid and find scroll after scroll detailing the religions of the day, that is when the Christian faith is hit the hardest. The unspoken lies about where half the stories and holidays really comes from. The scrolls details the religion of Mithra in detail, the things it talks about pre-dates all other religions and the stories and legends are pretty much exactly the same. Suddenly men realize that they have been living a lie. Its amazing. Anyhow while all of that boring shit is going on that weird guy from History channel who is always going into tombs and what not finds a chamber with two hundred mummies, these are the royal guard meant to keep watch on the king buried here for all time. just one mummy is taken out to have it tested. The wrappings and the mummy itself are very dried out and there is a large quantity of dust on and around these guards. A sample of this dust is sent to various research labs around the world for testing. A sample is sent to the University of Texas at Arlington. A tiny bit of this dust is put on a cone of store bought incense and lit up with a room full of test subjects. Three of them went mad and were never able to leave mental wards for the rest of their lives. Two of them picked up pen and paper and drew what is now referred to as the ash sketches, the most horrific images of torture and war ever drawn by mankind. And one of them, a little girl five years old who had been sick all of her life and had never been to school or church, she had never had a bible read to her or even discussed in front of her. She was placed in there to see if it would effect someone who had no basis for hallucinations. of course once word of the fact that a child was used in this experiment got out the school was fined and the professor sued into bankruptcy. But the papers he published on the study of this mummy dust got out before he was financially ruined.

that little girl gave a two hour sermon with more religious fervor than any evangelist who ever lived. She basically paraphrased the entire book of revelations ... and then of course I woke up...

Xgem-Gamer Kush

So I dreamed that I had been contacted by a weed grower who figured out a way to sell it legally on the internet to anyone. He wanted me to help him come up with some packaging for his products. He paid me in millions of dollars worth of weed, I of course got shook down by the DEA and the FBI, they wrote up a contract with me that if I helped them gather the info they wanted on this guy, I in return would never have to pay taxes again and I would be given a lump sum of money that per year would provide me and my family in perpetuity with 75,000 per year of interest to live on. Needless to say I took the offer and I made the weed packaging. He disguised it as Gem cases for video games... Video with titles like Gamer Kush, Orange Defender, Green Zaxxon, Twisted Tempest, Scarlett Sinistar, and of course Purple Galaxian.

I was sent hundreds of pounds of weed most of which was snatched up by the government agents who came over disguised as UPS delivery guys, the rest was sold under the table by me on craigs list and I made 2.5 million bucks which I put into a bank account under my daughters name. it was insane...

very strange dream that when I woke from it I was so glad that it hadn't happened because I honestly would never want to talk with this guy again in my life, you see he was a friend of mine back in high school and I have since grown in my self-image and discovered that he was a pretty useless over bearing douche bag who I am lucky to have out of my life forever.

The Basement Research...

Last night I dreamed about a huge basement full of volleyball-sized spiders and for some reason I had to go down in there and label each webs alarm-chord (a term I think my goofy subconscious made up?) as to which individual spider made which chord and such. This of course freaked me out because I hate spiders a little bit in real life, like they are fine over there, but when they get on me or really anywhere near me then spiders and I have troubles... something about multiple legs and venom... call me crazy... but this dream happened and it woke me up at 130am as they were chasing me. Then it woke me up again at 220am as I went to sleep right back into it.

I loathe spiders...

The Last Polaroid...

Last night I dreamed that my girl Laura found a polaroid camera and a pack of film in the rubble of a walmart we were looting, she found some batteries and set the thing up and the very first picture was of me with a sling holding our daughter Isabelle and triumphantly holding up a box with beef stew printed in large letters on the outside. The second picture was of Laura lying on the bed at the hotel we were hiding out in along with around fifteen other families. The third picture was taken from the roof of the hotel of the downtown Dallas skyline, it was crumbling, it was deserted and in on case it was on fire. The thick plume of smoke was rising up into the morning sky toward the fall-out clouds hanging perpetually above this new meaner world. ...